So often I hear comments from women ending abusive relationships, like “how can I be so stupid?” , “why didn’t I see the signs of control ?”

Family Violence

It doesn’t help that society has a simplistic view of abusive relationships and believes its easy  to just pack your bags and move out.

Abusive relationships don’t happen overnight. It’s not like you go on your first date and then  “bang”, you feel the hard thump of his fist on your arm.  Abusive men, ( statistically men are far more likely to be the perpetrator of domestic violence than women) tend to be overly attentive, caring and flatter women in the early stages of the relationship.

The abuse happens gradually, its slow and measured and persistent. It starts off as an insult or a put down being seen as a “joke” or  you are told that you are too sensitive or don’t have a sense of humour. Slowly you start to believe that maybe you are too sensitive and after all it was just a comment he made, lighten up!

After sometime, he starts to alienate you from your family and friends, because they are a “bad influence” on you and will lead you astray, you are told that you belong at home with him and the children.

You feel something is not quite right, but he tells you he loves  you and nobody will love you like he does. You agree.

Until, you start to  question his control. Until you start to grow and question your relationship. He comes down hard and tells you “there is nothing wrong with us, it’s all in your head!”

You walk on egg shells around him, making sure that you don’t upset him and don’t let the children get too rowdy, because he has had a “hard” day at work.  You try to be a better wife , you cook better meals and make sure that the home is spotless so he won’t criticise you again.

You present to your friends and family as the “perfect” couple. You enrol the children in all sorts of activities and make sure that they are immaculately groomed. You are losing yourself, but continue to pretend that everything is perfect and you and he are a loving and happy couple with happy children.

Behind closed doors, the abuse deepens and you feel more and more threatened. He comes home from work and you are unsure what to say or how to be, so you don’t upset him. These days he is more and more irritable and angry and no matter what you do or say, you are “useless” or “hopeless” a “selfish woman” who spend her days doing nothing.

By now you are a mother of young children, who hasn’t  worked for years and you are totally dependant on him.

You feel yourself unable to breathe, you are trapped and suffocating in this abusive relationship. Finally, you speak to a counsellor, you spend years in and out of counselling, thinking something is wrong with you.

Women stay in unhealthy and toxic relationships not because they are stupid or weak but because often they are too afraid to leave.

If you  require any more information about leaving an abusive and toxic relationship, contact us on info@cominoslawyers.com.au